2024’s Top Ten Things in Movies

And the best of the worst.

The time between Christmas and New Years is traditionally a time to reflect. A time to look back on the events of the past year, to ruminate, to forget about things like “doing pilates” and “leaving your house”. A time for freaks like me to think about movies.

But if I’m honest, apart from a handful of (mostly Guadagnino-directed) standouts, the times I have walked out of a theatre giddy with glee or shaken to my core this year have been few and far between. Everything has felt sort of aggressively middling, pretty good, grasping at some interesting stuff but never transcending it. Perfectly fine! If you thought the middlebrow mid-budget drama was dead, I hope you’re happy now! The most memorable cinema this year has largely been the most trashy, which I can’t complain about— I love stupid bullshit, I’ll take any slop if it’s got heart— but where is my slam-dunk masterpiece? Even the good movies this year have had some caveats. I just want to love something! Can’t a movie slay the house down boots anymore??¹

Hence, my end-of-year ranking has ended up a sea of seven-outta-tens; that’s no fun. But don’t think that makes me a joyless cynic. In a mild, arguably mid year for film, sometimes all you can do is take a moment to be grateful for the small bursts of joy, the memorable characters, scenes of note, the rare and fleeting bliss only Da Movies can give us. Here are ten of those things.

10. Cassandra Webb

Cassandra Webb is too humble to accept a higher place on this list. She is one of the great fictional characters of the decade. She names her cat “Cat”. She talks to herself in a loserly fashion. She gets spider-bite related powers and tries to climb a wall and fails and falls down. She is very bad at having conversations with other people. She is always holding a Pepsi. She doesn’t have a neuromuscular disorder. She loves to run people over with cars and ambulances. Her web? Connects them all.

What if you could see the future but you were kind of awkward and bad at it and there was an evil guy and you had to protect some teenagers but you didn’t really give a fuck and wandered off to go to the Amazon or whatever. What if there was a superhero who was lame. I’ve never seen myself so reflected in a character. Representation matters. I don’t care what you think. I love Madame Web. She’s like a sister to me.

9. Everyone Getting Murdered Badly at the Beginning Of Twisters

Movies are so cowardly these days. Everything’s all about forgiveness and family and equality. Blockbuster characters are brittle snowflakes, immune to consequence— built to be resurrected for the sake of infinite content. The good guys can’t lose. We need to fulfil audience expectations. I protest this. We need stakes. We need brutality. We need to see innocent bright-eyed kids die violently.

You can’t do that anymore, due to woke. But Twisters doesn’t care. Twisters is subversive cinema. Twisters is a real movie. A movie where good, moral young adults are smashed to death by tornadoes. Permanently.

8. Michelle Yeoh Being So Bad at Playing Madame Morrible that I’m Starting to Think She’s Actually Good

So there’s this…… wicked… witch.

When casting announcements dropped for Wicked, Michelle Yeoh was the least of my concerns. She won an Oscar, let her do what she wants, who cares about Madame Morrible anyway? I was directing all my enmity onto Jeff Goldblum— a hack choice, in my opinion— and Ariana Grande, whose skills I did not yet trust. (I was also seething that my brilliant fancast of Joshua Bassett as Boq and Olivia Rodrigo as Nessa did not come to fruition.)

I was to be proven utterly wrong. Grande is a revelation and Hollywood should redirect all resources to giving her one million screwball comedies to star in immediately. Goldblum was actually kind of good? He was funny! It was charming! The fact that he can’t actually sing made Wicked’s worst song moderately tolerable. He doesn’t belong in a musical, which is exactly why he fits as the Wizard!

But Michelle… Michelle… I mean no disrespect. She’s a legend. She’s indisputable. But does she give Morrible? She’s fierce, but controlled, calculating. Stern, but restrained. There’s no bombast, no extravagance, no seizing the show and stealing it. This is musical theatre, baby! She should be Opera-singer-big! She should be campy and fun! Every iconic thundering line whispered, gone to waste… is this the society we want to live in? She can’t even sing. Why cast an Morrible who can’t fucking sing?

But upon rewatch I was struck by the audacity of it. It’s not like she doesn’t care, right? She’s putting some work in here, she’s making some choices. She’s just making bad choices. She just happens to suck. And if such a lauded, culturally iconic actor can so bravely and publicly suck— and emerge with reputation unscathed— maybe there’s hope in this world for the rest of us.

7. The Unnecessarily Stacked Supporting Cast of The Instigators

Why should a dumb and bad straight-to-streaming movie like this be graced with the presence of giants? Surely the Apple money couldn’t have been that good. Michael Stuhlbarg, surely you’re better than this? Alfred Molina, you smoke too tough… your swag too different… you have MCU money now… The Gronk’s in this (as himself). Toby Jones is here. Ving Rhames. André De Shields. Ron Perlman’s the corrupt Mayor of Boston (okay, that one makes sense). Jack Harlow…. I don’t even know what to say. I’m annoyed that I’m supposed to know who you are.

Baffling, but delightful all the same. Kept me on my toes. In a better world Stuhlbarg and Molina would have been the leads.

6. The Hugh Jackman LCD Screen at Fifth Avenue Cinemas

If you live in Vancouver, BC, you’re probably familiar with Fifth Avenue. It’s pretty nifty— the screens are kinda small, but they tend to play marginally more indie fare than your typical Cineplex theatre. And weirdly, whenever I get grossly affected by a movie, it always tends to take place there. After watching both The Zone of Interest (technically not a 2024 movie) and A Real Pain at this particular theatre this year, I stumbled out in shock, trapped in a dissociative state, weeping openly, head spinning, paralyzed.

Only to come face to face with Him.

So Fifth Avenue has this big LCD screen in the entryway. About half the time it displays big banner ads— you know, for products? Normal. The other half of the time, it fades between giant photoshoot images of celebrities. Ryan Reynolds is one of them for sure. The others blend together into a haze of Movie Stars. I think Margot Robbie’s part of it? I’m not sure. I don’t even know where they sourced these photos. Are they Getty Images? Did they pay for them? Whose idea was it to have this up? Surely it would be more beneficial to just have ads running. Are they trying to advertise the experience of Movies? To its audience of people who have paid money to come and see a movie? This mystery has eluded me for many years. Woe to the man who tries to take away my beloved movie star LCD screen.

Anyway— for some reason, every time I feel despondent at Fifth Avenue, the LCD screen displays the same huge image of Hugh Jackman. Like a friend who has come to comfort me. It’s me, Hugh Jackman! I like doing musicals which is funny because I am also big and strong. Remember when I hosted the Tonys? That was so fun. There, there. Don’t think about the Holocaust. Think about me wearing golden pants. Okay? You’re safe here.

5. Dune: Part Two

Guys, remember Dune: Part Two? It was really good. My friends Paul and Chani were there. Feyd, even. Timothee did a big awesome speech. Everyone liked it. We all left the theatre buzzing and excited and gave it five stars on Letterboxd. No one had any critiques. Remember? Remember how it felt? They rode sandworms in it and it didn’t even look stupid. There was a cool knife fight at the end. It came out in February. I promise, this is real and it happened. I didn’t imagine it. Dune fever was real, okay? You have to remember. Where are you going? I’m not crazy!!!

4. Jason Schwartzman in Queer

I don’t have anything more to say.

3. When George Clooney Made Joe Biden Drop Out

Who says there are no movie stars left in Hollywood?

2. The Way Drew Starkey Sprawls Out in Queer

No one has ever sprawled the way Drew Starkey sprawls. Not a scene in Queer goes by where he isn’t artfully draped over some bed or couch or other such object. His high-waisted wide-legged trousers are perfectly selected for maximum aesthetic lounging; his impossibly long legs become part of the set. It’s deeply and vitally important to the texture of the film. It could not function without his achievements in sprawling. Eugene, too afraid of his sexuality to admit it to himself, finds a perfectly satisfying middle ground in becoming a beautiful object for Lee— wanted, but not necessarily wanting. He turns himself into an art piece. A very sexy, very splayed art piece. And it’s brilliant work.

Honourable mention— for flumping, not sprawling— must be given to Vanya from Anora. Olympic level flumper. With special recognition in both rolling and lazing around. He’s so cute, he’s like a little ragdoll. (I’d be good to you, Vanya. I’d be super presentable for your family. I have a degree and stuff. I wouldn’t fumble the bag.)

1. Nosferatu’s Big Moustache

It’s so big, you guys. Imagine a vampire with a big moustache. Wrong. It’s bigger. You go into the movie thinking, I know what Nosferatu looks like. You know, from SpongeBob. He’s bald and pale and wears a cloak and stuff. I would bet my left kidney on how secure I am in knowing what Nosferatu looks like. And then he doesn’t look like that. Because he has a big moustache.

I can’t express to you enough how shocking this moustache was. There were audible gasps and even giggles in the theatre. He looks like Dr. Eggman. It’s insane. It needs to be seen. It’s so beautiful. I love that we live in a world with a moustachioed Nosferatu. We invented movies for moments like these. A silent film a hundred years old with a character so visually iconic and culturally enduring that any deviation from his original design is met with primal shock and awe— they don’t make ‘em like this anymore! I love being alive!

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BONUS: 2024’s Top Five Worst Things in Movies

I don’t mean to be negative, but these had to be acknowledged.

5. Anora Discourse on Twitter

This movie isn’t interesting enough for everybody to be doing all that to defend/destroy it. There’s really not much there to dig into. It’s fine. Whatever.

4. Watching Hit Man in a Movie Theatre

Controversial, but it was pretty unnecessary. It’s not like the cinematography needs to be experienced without distraction or anything. It’s a fun, chill time, but none of the jokes were bolstered by a big screen or a full audience. Not to be a Netflix defender but I think I would have liked it more on my couch. And crucially, we don’t need to make Glen Powell’s face any bigger than it already is.

3. Still no new Star Trek movie announcement

I’m chomping at the damn bit here. What will it take? What do I have to do? Look at Chris Pine. World’s most charismatic leading man, and you’re letting him flop into nothingness. He’s resorted to directing his own stuff and it’s bad. He’s crying. Please, just let this man sit in the captain’s chair again. We need him more than ever.

2. Anthony Ramos in Twisters

Flop. We do NOT give a fuck. Kiernan Shipka outsold with 2 minutes of screentime. He will never outgrow Hamilton. He will NEVER be Philip Seymour Hoffman. Hack.

1. Liking Megalopolis Without Being Pure Of Heart

You wouldn’t get it. You think this is a fucking game. It’s not. You cannot come into an earnest bad movie with a perspective of derision or spite. Your laughter should come from a place of joy. Megalopolis is silly and doesn’t have anything to say, but at least it believes it does. At least it believes in something. Open yourself to awe and bafflement. Build a better world with me. I love you. Happy New Year.

1. The Brutalist and Nickel Boys aren’t getting released here until January and I have had to hear about how life-changing they are online for six months now and it’s driving me insane so forgive me for not being generous here.